Thursday, August 10, 2017

Grief, Anger and Horror

One year ago today, I was laying in the ICU fighting for my life.  I have said those words for the last 7 days, and I have 5 more to go before it is not true.  Twelve days of my life of which I have no or very little memory.  On Thursday, August 3, 2017, I was in an airplane on my way to St. Louis for Gun Sense University. Around 1:15 I got a sharp, take your breath away, pain in my abdomen.  I had to take pain killers and stand at the back of the plane for 10 minutes or so before it eased.  This was the exact moment 1 year ago my body went into septic shock. My body remembered the pain and let me know it remembered, even if I did not.

The weekend away took my mind off all things a year ago and I could only focus on what I was learning.  But now I am home and there is another part of my body letting me know it remembers - my heart.  I have been incredibly sad all week culminating is a cry-fest this morning.  I vacillate between anger and grief and horror.  Knowing that a year ago, I was laying in a bed with tubes and IVs and procedures being done to my body and being completely unaware...horrifies me. Knowing my kids and best friend and husband were keeping watch without knowing if I would live or die or come out right in my mind....grieves me. I feel a cloud over me this week.  It is dark and menacing.  I just want to climb in bed and cover my head.

This is me, a year ago:

Have no memory of this, but am kind of glad they took the photo. It is the only "proof" I have that I was actually there.

There is lots to celebrate.  There is lots to be proud of.  But for now, I need to feel all these feelings I am having and let them run their course.  So I will allow myself to continue vacillating between grief, anger and horror.  Because honestly, I don't know what else to do.

1 comment:

  1. But God! I thank God he pulled you through the tough times because I see that you are a fighter lady. May you continue to be blessed and know that you're loved. I'm so happy to have met you and getting to know you because you truly are a gem. Your work here on Earth is not done so you got some more living to do!!! I pray your days get better sooner than later. ��