I am sitting in my chair. My mind is racing with the things I need
to do; make a menu, grocery shopping, laundry, organize my thoughts for a
meeting tomorrow, etc. I am still in my pjs at 12:00. My body just
won't cooperate. I am not in severe pain and I am not running a
fever...at least I don't think so. My body has just quit. It does this
sometimes. My energy bottoms out and it is just hard to get up to
pee. Yes, I am serious! I sit here and know I need to go, but trying
to convince my body that using energy in that way is absolutely worth
it, is difficult. I wish I could say this is due to...but I can't.
Right now I know that my iron has bottomed out, so I am awaiting an iron
infusion that will help dramatically. But it is not always that easy.
When you have several autoimmune diseases, fatigue is just part of your
life. But what is difficult for those of us who suffer this, is that
people think they understand. When you are confronted with someone who
has cancer, unless you have had that cancer, you are instantly in a
place of curiosity and want to understand where that person is coming
from. When you are confronted with someone who says they are extremely
fatigued, you tend to launch into cures, your own experience, etc.
There is no curiosity, there are no questions, there is only judgement
and knowledge. But, if you take the time to really listen and be
curious, you might be surprised. For instance, have you really ever
been so fatigued you had to talk your body into getting up to pee? I
mean seriously? Have you ever been so fatigued that when your stomach
alarms you it is way past time to eat, you still cannot get up to feed
it? Sitting here right now, I need to do both...pee and eat. Writing
this is exhausting me, and I have already taken several breaks and am
foggy enough to wonder if what I am writing really makes any sense
whatsoever. But rereading it? No way!! So I sit here with a brain
totally active, although hazy and a body that can't follow. It is
frustrating to say the least. I look at facebook and see all the
activity that people have been involved in this past holiday weekend and
I am ready for a nap! I envy them. I envy the energy they have to get
up early while it is cool and go for a walk, paddle around a lake, weed
a garden. The energy they have to cook tremendous sounding/looking
meals for their loved ones. The energy they have to travel to see
family. The energy they have.
Don't feel sorry for
me. Don't pity me. I am okay with my life. I know that this extreme
feeling will soon be over, as soon as insurance is done putting the
doctor's office through its paces and finally approves the infusion, I
will feel much better. I will never have the energy you have, but that
is okay. I have found my limits, my tricks, and I live a full life.
I
am lucky to have friends who love me and accept me as I am. I am the
luckiest woman in the world because I have a husband who loves me no
matter what. He doesn't let me fall down the rabbit hole of inertness,
but he doesn't push me beyond my limits either. I have 2 beautiful
children who live so gracefully with the uncertainty of a mother who may
or may not be able to follow through on promises. I am blessed.
So,
do me a favor. Appreciate your energy, your body's ability to do what
you want to do. And also, be curious about those in your life. Don't
just label them and think you "know".
Now it is time for this body to move....some things it just has to do, and thank god I can still do them.
