To All the Boys I've Known Before

To all the boys I've known before,
The ones who silenced me with a look
Took my voice without a second glance,
I say, "Fuck You"

To all the boys I've known before,
The ones who threw balls hard
And laughed at my pain,
I say, "Fuck You"

The ones who snapped my bra,
and made me feel ashamed,
The ones who made a move,
without waiting for consent.
The ones who I have known and not
who assumed my body was theirs.
The ones who felt they knew
what was right and wrong for me.
The ones who just assumed
and never took time to ask.
The ones who needed more
than just my word,
I say, "Fuck You"

To all the boys I've known before,
I have given you such power,
Power which you took,
without ever a thought.
I take that power back,
I stand and say NO
My body is my own.
My time is my own.
My voice is my own.

To all the boys I've known before.
The ones who have learned and owned
and apologized for their hurt,
I say, "Thank You"

To all the boys I've known before,
The ones who taught me how to love
and stand up for myself,
I say, "Thank You"

To all the boys...

Last Post of 2016

Written on December 17, 2016...still real today.

This morning for some odd reason, I looked back over my facebook page.  On it I found so many people sending me their thoughts and love.  Some people I knew for a short time long ago, and yet, they took time out of their day to write to me.  I have found this profoundly moving.

Sometimes when birthdays pop up on my screen, I think will they really care if I say happy birthday? Do they really even remember me?  So I must confess over the last year, I have not written more than I have.  I am now sorry that I didn't write.  Now I realize that we just don't know what people are going through.  We don't know how much our taking the time to think about them, even for that minute,  will mean to them.  Usually that moment conjures up memories of that friend or loved one and we actually spend more time thinking about them that day.  Those moments matter.  You notice I did not say "the words" matter.  I said the "time".   The knowledge of you thinking of a person is really what they need.

I have spent this last half of 2016 on the sidelines, pretty much.  I have observed from my chair how busy everyone has been.  How tired everyone is.  How much hurt everyone is holding.  How much anger courses through everyone's bodies.  How much grief everyone is feeling.  How many of you are fighting for just causes. How much love you are all capable of having.  How much joy you bring others.

I want to acknowledge it all.  I want to express deep gratitude to each of you.  For those who have lost a loved one this year, I cry with you, I hold you in my heart, and I give you space to grieve.  For those who are also fighting daily to stay healthy and as well as possible, I am beside you, I vent with you, I cry with you, and I am a warrior with you.  For those fighting cancer or other life threatening diseases, I am angry with you, I cry with you, I laugh with you, I hold you in my heart.  For those experiencing big life changes this year, I sit beside you, I cheer you on, and I hold your hand.  For those of you who are just trying to parent children and teens and get them to adulthood, I scream with you, I curse with you, I shed tears of happiness with you, and I hold you tight.  For those who are lonely and longing for love, I cry with you, I ache with you, and I am here for you.  For those who just feel lost right now with adulthood looming ahead, I hurt with you, I pace with you, I scream with you, and I trust with you that something will come along.

2017 is my "Kick Ass" year.  I will fuel my body with what it needs to heal.  I will exercise my body to keep it strong.  I will be present in my life.   I will feed my soul by being in nature, reading books, journaling, and sewing/knitting.  I will fight for the causes that are dear to me. I will be available to listen to any of my friends who needs an ear.

Just as 2016 has been a mish-mash of life, so is the last blog post.  Happy New Year everyone!

Dear Death

Originally written on August 25, 2016.  But reliving today...

Dear Death,

You visited me at my birth and several times in my childhood.  Those stories don't really feel like my own.  They seem to be more a part of my mom's story since she is the one who experienced the trauma and struggles to keep me alive.  I guess that wasn't enough for you,  I guess all the struggles of my 51 years of life and 28 years of chronic illness was not enough.  Maybe you needed to be shown or told one more time,  I CHOOSE LIFE.

The day you visited, I have to admit, I was tempted.  Tempted to give in and float away without pain.  But then my husband's hand clasped mine and my eyes fluttered to see my babies sitting across from me. I didn't want to stop holding his hand.  I wanted to hold his hand for years and years to come.  I wanted to see the wrinkle and age spots on both our hands.  I wanted to hold his hand as we watched our children possibly wed and have babies.  I wanted to hold that hand sitting in the surf and watching the sun set over the Atlantic ocean.

My babies, I want to see them grow older into middle age.  I want to be witness to the joys and concerns that come with growing up.  I want to be at the end of the phone when the tears of joy and sorrow need to be shared with their mother. I do not want them to be mother-less.

I said NO to you that day.  I held onto the hand and the visions of my babies.  I held on.

So move on.  I wasn't ready at birth or in the coming 2-3 years and I am not ready now.  You see, I am meant to be here.  I have purpose.  I have been a true friend to many, many people, I have taught and loved hundreds of children and I have helped raised 2 amazing human beings who will also change this world each in their own way.  I have partnered with an amazing man and supported him in many different endeavors.  I am Nana to Malaney and friends with Max and Eleanor.  They need me.  I don't stop here.  I am fighting a fight that is NOT over.  I am fighting for a safer world for my children and their children and all the children whose lives I have come in contact with.  I must help to stop letting guns kill our people.  I have so much to give.

You see, I am not ready to go.  I know pain.  I can handle pain.  I have never known this weakness, but you see, Death, I still am gripping my husband's hand and we are walking through this together.  I am NOT alone.  So, move one.  It is not my time.

Sincerely,
KaKi McKinney

Anxiety - 1, KaKi - 0

This Saturday, I will once again walk into Rex Hospital, and register for surgery.  This will be the third surgery and hopefully final surgery. I have come so far since August 22nd when I came home from the hospital after a 22 day stay.  I have learned to walk again without help.  I have learned to write again.  I can cook and feed myself.  I can take showers without anyone helping me and without the aide of a shower chair.  I am able to follow conversations with multiple people.  I no longer feel overwhelmed outside my home.  I have been able to get back involved with Moms Demand Action and even lead 2 meetings!  And, I can drive!!  On August 22nd, some of these things felt impossible. My confidence in myself was shot.  I was so dependent on all around me, I just wasn't sure I would ever get back to my former level of health.  But, I did.  My body, the body I have felt so betrayed by all these years, actually showed me how valuable it is.  How strong and resilient it is.  It lived and healed even when I wasn't sure I wanted to continue.  It has surpassed all my expectations.  When the surgeon mentioned having my reversal surgery in December, I laughed!  OUT LOUD, laughed!  But here I am.

Here is the thing though.  My body wasn't the only part of me attacked on August 3rd.  My mind and soul were also damaged.   I had been violated.  Trust in my doctors and nurses was crushed.  This extreme vulnerability started raising memories of other violations, many that had been buried for a long time.  The expectation of a third surgery hung over me like a huge black cloud.  How could I let my doctor cut on me again?  How could I submit myself to that powerless position again?

Now I am sitting here 5 days away from doing just that.  Luckily, having an ileostomy is a pain in the butt!  It is no fun!  I have experienced leaks, and the bottom of bags just coming open and spilling all the contents.  It is not easy to wear any kind of pants or jeans with the placement of this bag.  So I have lived in leggings pretty much continually since August.  The fear of leaking in public and the overall uncomfortableness of the bag is definitely driving me to have this surgery and get rid of this.  I hope to have all vestiges of this surgery gone and begin 2017 anew!!

So, I will gather all the courage I can, and maybe borrow some from my kids and hubby, and will walk into that hospital on Saturday, lay on the gurney, get that IV, and go to sleep and put my total trust in my doctor to do a good job.  This time I know he understands what a big deal this is, and he will rise to the occasion.  He is a good man and a great surgeon.  It is time for both of us to have a successful do-over!

So you may not be seeing me for a few days, I will be regaining what strength I lost again.  But this time I know my body is capable.  And then you are going to watch me treat my body to the exercise it needs and the nourishment it needs.  My body will be pampered in 2017.  It is time for me to show my appreciation for all it has done for me!

This post has been written during an extreme panic for me.  I needed to get it out.  I wasn't going to publish it, but, you know,  this is me.  This is what is going on.  My meds have finally settled my head and I am feeling calmer.  But anxiety will be my constant companion I fear until saturday!!

The Short Story of Where I Have Been

August 1st, 2016, I walked into Rex Hospital to have a sigmoidectomy.  This would relieve me of the constant diverticulitis I had been battling the past year.  I was scared, of course, but felt sure that I was doing the right thing.  The surgeon came out saying it was a textbook surgery and that he was very confident the new seal was secure.

August 3rd I went back into an emergency surgery because I had become septic.  There were some tense hours for my family. The doctors found a tear they had made when stretching the colon to seal with the other part.  I woke up 12 days later having only little snips of memory.  I spent a few days in ICU after the 2nd surgery and then went back down because they couldn't get my heart rate down and a while, 10 days in ICU and 12 days in regular room.

I expected to come home August 4th with laporoscopy scars and sore.  Instead I came home August 22nd with a 4 inch incision starting at my belly button.  Another incision along the "C-section" line.  And an illeostomy.  The thing I had most dreaded.

I lost almost all my muscle mass, lots of weight, my taste buds and confidence.  I gained a new appreciation for life, a fighting spirit and hope for a better life.

Because of my extreme weakness I am not allowed to ever be at home alone.  I am also having to limit my activities.  And well, everything is an activity. Showering, exercises, talking on the phone, sitting up in a chair, and even eating.  

So, I know you all want to show me your love, and I so appreciate it, but right now, I need it to be in card form, facebook notes, I am loving funny children pictures and videos!! I can usually handle texting as well now.  I just might not be as fast as I used to be.

This is the quick synopsis, because I know some of you are worried.  More of the story will probably come as I begin to process more and more.

Thank  you for your patience and concern.  I love you all!

"I am tired"

"I am so tired."  "I am exhausted."  "Not sure I can do much more."  These are all common phrases you hear on a daily basis.  The way we define these words -  tired, exhaustion, I can't do any more - is based on our own personal experience.  If you are chronically ill, these definitions change.  So far, I have not found a word that truly explains what it is to be tired to me.  I don't presume to speak for all chronically ill people, but I have had enough conversations to know that I am not alone in this experience.  So, if you are truly interested in knowing and understanding your chronically ill friends and family, this is a concept you need to try to understand.

We wake up tired.  I mean, we have slept 8, 9 or 10 hours and we wake up and feel tired.  The tired like you feel mid-day after a really busy  day, and it is just 8 a.m. for us.  So when we say we don't want to plan anything before 10 a.m., it is not that we are lazy, we simply need that time to get going.  All the things you do absentmindedly take real concentrating and negotiating.  For instance, "I need to take a shower.  ugh, but I have 3 errands I need to run, and I have dinner out tonight.  I am not sure I can dry my hair.  Well, you know it doesn't look that bad....I will wash my body and wait till tomorrow when I have less to do"

By our mid-day after probably doing only half of what you do, we feel like you do around dinner time if you have been busy the rest of the day.  Around dinner time, we feel like you feel if you have pulled an all-nighter.  Seriously.  Maybe even more tired than that.  I have never been well, so I don't know, I am going by discussions with my well friends.

Then you add aging, weight gain, pain, emotional stress and well, you can pretty well multiply our tiredness 10 fold.

Why am I talking about this?  Because we don't like to talk about it with our friends and people who don't know us well.  We want to appear normal.  Plus we don't want people to not ask us to do things or involve us in things.  Because most of us, the ones who have truly accepted our bodies, have learned exactly how much energy we have and we mete that out precisely.  I mean PRECISELY.  Sometimes we miss the mark and we pay.  You may too, because you have to carry us home. LOL  So when a chronically ill person tells you they will do something, know that they plan their entire day around how much energy that will take so they won't let you down.  Sounds exhausting, doesn't it?

I have shared the spoon theory with you before, and if you are new to my blog, please go read it:  The Spoon Theory.   Hopefully my words along with hers will help you to understand a bit better.  But please know, we want to be treated normal.  We just need you to know that when we say we are done, don't make us feel guilty or bad, because we are already doing that to ourselves, we don't like to miss out on things.

I have a great family who helps me.  My husband has helped to teach me about patience with my body and the importance of spending my energies wisely.  My children have taught me you don't have to do big things to have fun and bond.  A night in with a movie and snack foods is just as good.  My friends have taught me how to truly love a friend.  They give of themselves in amazing ways.  My great friend, Allison Dahle, gives of herself constantly.  She drives me to MY events and pitches right in where she sees I can't.  She can gauge my exhaustion almost as well as me and Jack!  And she just loves me no matter what.  We planned to go out and shop and have a big day, but I can't, well she comes and gets me and gets me comfortable on her couch and we watch tv or giggle and talk or I sleep and she does whatever.

I am a lucky woman.  Because of my family and friends, I get to continue giving to this world.  And please know, family and friends, I know it is because of you that I can do the work I do.  I love you all dearly.

So choose love and joy every day!  Oh, and let's end gun violence!!!!!  :-)

Parting with a good friend

Good bye old friend.  I am so sad to see you go.  You have been with me since I was three years old.  My grandmother Eads (Allie) introduced us.  I loved those mornings with her.  In college you brought James Hamilton into my life through our mutual appreciation of you.  We had some great discussions in those early hours pretty much by ourselves.  You got me through having to be on duty at 7:00 a.m. sharp when I taught in middle school. You have been part of so many lovely mornings of lounging and starting my day slowly.  I don't know what I will do without you.  I know, I can go to your cousin, but it isn't the same somehow.  I will miss you!  Maybe we can try again in a year or so.  But I can't stay in a relationship that's abuses me so much!  The pain is too great and as I am getting older and weaker, I can't recover as fast.  I have important work to do right now, I don't have time for recovery from your rampages.  Plus you seem to be angrier and more destructive each time.   So goodbye Mr. Coffee, hopefully we will meet again.

An Invitation

I have to start with an apology.  Yes, I am one of the ones who have wanted to take your guns away.  Guns scare me.  In my childhood hometown, we experienced several deaths due to guns.  The little girl in me has remained scared and just wanted them to go away.  When I had children my fear became insurmountable.  To figure out a way to live with it and to keep my children safe, Jack and I decided on a simple question.  Every time my kids were invited over to play with someone else, we asked, "Do you have guns in your house?"  People were always unbelievably nice in their responses.  Often we heard, "I have never thought to ask that question, but it is important to me as well."  

We only encountered one family who answered yes to our question.  They offered to show us the guns and ammunition and where they were stored, and all the safety measures that they had in place so that their son would also be safe.  We let Stephen play at their house because they took our concern seriously and respected our wishes.  

This question helped me to not parent out of fear, but out of safety.  Then Columbine happened.  I was paralyzed by a fear that I had not even considered, someone else could enter my kids' schools and shoot them.  I was too overwhelmed with raising my children and adjusting to being a full time preacher's wife so I put on my blinders and hoped for the best.  Then Sandy Hook happened.  This shooting hit a nerve since I was an elementary school teacher.   I thought surely now our country will do something about this issue.  But, no, nothing was done and I decided it was over.  Our country would be overrun with guns and people who had no business owning them.  I gave up.

Through all of this, I thought the solution was getting rid of all guns.  I know people hunted, and there should be that consideration, but it was too much to comprehend, so the easiest answer seemed to be to get rid of them all.

After watching a congress that will not budge, will not compromise, and thus get no where, it finally hit me.  I must do as I say.

So I joined a group, Moms Demand Action, which is about gun safety, not the abolition of guns.  I am ready to come to the table and listen.  I want to know your thoughts.  How can we make guns that will not go off when dropped?  How can we make guns that cannot be shot except by the owner?  How can we make them safe yet easily accessible in the instance of a home invasion?  How do we keep children from getting their hands on guns?  Do we need to have a gun that has the ability to shoot 800 bullets a minute in the private sector?  (evidently the AR-15 is able to do this)  Do we need to open carry a pistol in the grocery store, spa, knitting store, or the mall? What other questions are there that I, as a pacifist, don't even know to ask?

So, I have my cup of coffee.  I hope you will grab one as well and pull up to the table for a genuine exchange of ideas.  If not, I understand.  We are all at different places in our lives. You may still feel discouraged and hopeless.  You may be scared that you will lose your protection.  I don't know.  So I will begin by being silent and opening my heart to hear yours.

Fatigue....Really

I am sitting in my chair.  My mind is racing with the things I need to do; make a menu, grocery shopping, laundry, organize my thoughts for a meeting tomorrow, etc.  I am still in my pjs at 12:00.  My body just won't cooperate.  I am not in severe pain and I am not running a fever...at least I don't think so.  My body has just quit.  It does this sometimes.  My energy bottoms out and it is just hard to get up to pee.  Yes, I am serious!  I sit here and know I need to go, but trying to convince my body that using energy in that way is absolutely worth it, is difficult.  I wish I could say this is due to...but I can't.  Right now I know that my iron has bottomed out, so I am awaiting an iron infusion that will help dramatically.  But it is not always that easy.  When you have several autoimmune diseases, fatigue is just part of your life.  But what is difficult for those of us who suffer this, is that people think they understand.  When you are confronted with someone who has cancer, unless you have had that cancer, you are instantly in a place of curiosity and want to understand where that person is coming from.  When you are confronted with someone who says they are extremely fatigued, you tend to launch into cures, your own experience, etc.  There is no curiosity, there are no questions, there is only judgement and knowledge.  But, if you take the time to really listen and be curious, you might be surprised.  For instance, have you really ever been so fatigued you had to talk your body into getting up to pee?  I mean seriously?  Have you ever been so fatigued that when your stomach alarms you it is way past time to eat, you still cannot get up to feed it?  Sitting here right now, I need to do both...pee and eat.  Writing this is exhausting me, and I have already taken several breaks and am foggy enough to wonder if what I am writing really makes any sense whatsoever.  But rereading it?  No way!!  So I sit here with a brain totally active, although hazy and a body that can't follow.  It is frustrating to say the least.  I look at facebook and see all the activity that people have been involved in this past holiday weekend and I am ready for a nap!  I envy them.  I envy the energy they have to get up early while it is cool and go for a walk, paddle around a lake, weed a garden.  The energy they have to cook tremendous sounding/looking meals for their loved ones.  The energy they have to travel to see family.  The energy they have.

Don't feel sorry for me.  Don't pity me.  I am okay with my life.  I know that this extreme feeling will soon be over, as soon as insurance is done putting the doctor's office through its paces and finally approves the infusion, I will feel much better.  I will never have the energy you have, but that is okay.  I have found my limits, my tricks, and I live a full life.

I am lucky to have friends who love me and accept me as I am.  I am the luckiest woman in the world because I have a husband who loves me no matter what.  He doesn't let me fall down the rabbit hole of inertness, but he doesn't push me beyond my limits either.  I have 2 beautiful children who live so gracefully with the uncertainty of a mother who may or may not be able to follow through on promises.  I am blessed.

So, do me a favor.  Appreciate your energy, your body's ability to do what you want to do.  And also, be curious about those in your life.  Don't just label them and think you "know".

Now it is time for this body to move....some things it just has to do, and thank god I can still do them.

Meeting Your Child Again

With my second pregnancy, I gave in to my husband and we found out the gender of our baby early.  So for 7 months, I walked around knowing that Allie Elizabeth McKinney was forming inside me.  I could talk to her saying things like, "Okay, Allie, please stop pushing on Mommy's ribs."  With this knowledge, the anticipation was a bit different than the first time.  One, I knew more, I was more confident, but I felt an anticipation of meeting Allie.  Not just meeting my new baby.  It felt like a very specific anticipation.

In 62 hours, I will be meeting Allie Elizabeth McKinney again.  For the past 8 months she has gone to Senegal, Africa, to live with another family.  While we have gotten to facebook chat, and skype, none of those are the same as sitting face to face with someone.  They have however given me glimpses of the changes in my daughter, much like the sonograms gave me glimpses of the baby growing in my belly.

My daughter left as an eighteen year old.  She left speaking English and Spanish.  She left having never experienced being away from home for major holidays or events.  She left having an intimate knowledge of our family unit only.  She left with a knowledge of developing world problems, but only book knowledge.  As mature and independent as she was, she left a girl.

Now she is coming home a nineteen year old.  She is coming home speaking English, Spanish, some French, and Wolof.  She is coming home after spending Thanksgiving, Christmas, and birthdays away from her American family.  She is coming home with a Senegalese family who also love her.  She is coming home having experienced intimately how another family lives and lives in Africa.   She is coming home having experienced a developing country.  Having seen good and bad that have changed her.  She is coming home a young woman.

Just like the actual pregnancy, these past months have been hard.  They have had their ups and downs, and their scares.  But, just like the birth, I know when she is in my arms, it will have all been worth it.  And just as she changed my life then, she will change my life again. 

I am anxiously anticipating that moment, just as I did 19 years ago when she is in my arms once more.  Because no matter how tall, how mature, how old, Allie, you will always and forever be my baby girl.

Unexpected Advent

My morning started, as usual, with a cup of coffee.  As I reached into the dishwasher to get a mug, I noticed that my Grandmother Allie's mug was clean.  So instead of grabbing the closest one, I rearranged and got her mug.  As I was readying my coffee, much the same way she taught me when I was 3 without quite as much milk and sugar, I began a letter in my head to my grandmother.  I wanted to share with her what my children are doing.  I wanted to tell her about Stephen and the joy I feel at seeing him in love and with new purpose in his life.  I wanted to share with her what Allie is doing in Africa.  In my head I wrote about how the tradition of strong women has continued down the line and that the granddaughter named after her is maybe one of the strongest yet. I told her how right she was back in 1985, Jack McKinney was/is the one for me.  I share with her how much he loves me and cares for me.  I told her how he makes me laugh. How he makes me feel so safe.   I described my knitting group to her and told her the stories of each woman there.  I told her about the joy I receive from being part of that group.  I express my regret that she didn't live long enough to see her craft become so popular or the new glorious yarns that are available.  I thank her for her early lessons in crochet and for sparking the interest in me long, long ago.  I tell her that I think of her almost daily.  That I love her.  That she lives on in all of our hearts.

In other words, I experienced advent this morning.  Peace, love, joy, and hope.  They flooded my heart as I wrote that letter to my Grandmother.  In the midst of the busiest week in a long time for me, advent found me.  And luckily enough for me, I listened.  How about you?  Have you stopped long enough to hear the bells ringing?  Have you listened for the soft whispers of your heart and soul?  Have you felt the warmth of love flood your heart?

Stop.  Listen.  Feel.

Extremes of Emotions

The sun is out
I am full of joy.
News of death
I am full of sadness.

My children are handling their problems
I am full of pride
My children are hurting
I am full of pain.

My life now includes new friends
I am full of happiness
My life now includes lots of change
I am full of uneasiness.

I am loving my independence
I am full of playfullness
I am longing for my role of motherhood
I am full of loneliness.

Duality, extremes, opposites,
My life seems overflowing with these
Sometimes I can't keep track
Of where I am.

Am I sad?  Am I happy?
Am I lonely?  Am I satisfied?
I cannot answer one question alone
For I can answer yes to each one at the same time.

This is not new, I know,
But when the house is quiet
these are the thoughts
on which I brood.

Let My Light Shine

The shadows grow longer as the sun starts its descent
The temperature begins to dip until there is a chill
Lights begin flickering on all around the neighborhood
People begin to settle into the evening.

It is a time for reflection on the day
Was it a day well spent or not?
What determines a good day from a bad day?
How much work was done or who was touched by our lives?

The shadows lengthen in my soul
The darkness threatens to block all light
What will push away the anxiety or depression?
What will make my heart still?

I remember the friend I spoke with on the phone,
The joy of decorating my home for fall,
The fellowship of my knitting group,
The thrill of creating a gift which will touch a friend.

No money was made
No glories bestowed
No to-do list crossed off
No lives saved.

Yet, a difference was made today,
My friend needed a laugh,
I received support for tomorrow
And my soul is full from creating.

Yes, it is dark outside,
but inside my soul
a light is burning
so shoo shadows
let my light shine.

My Soul Breathes

Cool breezes and the crashing of waves
Pelicans soaring and diving
Blue sky peeking from behind the clouds
A hot mug of coffee

This is a place and time of healing
The balm my soul needed
The silence different from the silence of my home
The birds sing a different tune here

It is a place to think, to ponder
It is a time to reconnect with my love
It is a place to consider my future
It is a time to remember who I am

Delight as my eyes soak in the sites
Joy as my ears fill with the sounds of the waves
Relief as my nose fills with the saltiness of the air
Peace as my soul breathes freely

Longing

The hole...no the chasm inside me tears open
the burning in the center of my chest sears my flesh
the longing...the yearning...the neediness
my soul quakes with the urgency.

Her head is clasped to my chest,
her arms encircle me and hold on tight,
the perfume of her shampoo fills my nostrils
the bubbling laughter fills my ears.

The excitement of youth expressed by one I love so
it reverberates off her being and enters mine
I soak in the sunlight of her smile
and bask in the glow of her youthful aura.

I drive away and the yearning starts small
with each minute I drive away,
the burning gets hotter,
tears rush unbidden to try to wash the wound.

For though this is a child I love,
it is not the child I crave.
But the sweet aroma of her shampoo and her warm embrace
will tide me over till the child I crave is in my arms.

Beauty can grow from pain

I learned a very important lesson yesterday: As painful as confrontation can be, when misunderstandings and truths are revealed, something beautiful can grow in its place.

We all have people in our lives who we butt heads with, find annoying, or who hurt us.  Some of these people are in our lives not by choice, but by marriage, neighborhood, co-workers, family, parents of children's friends, etc.  We are forced into situations with these people and have to find a way to co-exist.  I have always thought I was a pretty honest person.  What you see is what you get.  But in reality, that is not true.  When I encounter these people in my life, I hide from them, I put up walls, I even become something I hate....passive aggressive.  I am not even aware of it most of the time.  I do another thing I hate...I talk about them to people I know love me and care for me.  Instead of having the guts to make the first move and try to work out the problems, I let fear of conflict rule my decisions.

Yesterday, one of these relationships in my life was forced to the open.  Years of fear and mistrust were revealed to the public.  At first I was humiliated.  But, fortunately the other person reached out to me.  That reaching out, gave me the courage to take it one step farther and meet with them one on one.  What ensued, was one of the most honest discussions I have had with someone other than my husband.  I owned my own part in the relationship.  I confessed my own misdeeds.  I apologized.  I listened and really heard what she had to say.  We cried together.  She forgave me.  I forgave her.  I left that house feeling euphoric.  A feeling I haven't had in a long time.  I am grateful for her honesty and her grace. 

Looking back on my life, I see several of these relationships.  Some, I have tried to reach out and have an honest discussion, only to be slapped away.  Some, I didn't take the time to sit down and be open.  I regret those relationships, now.  I wonder what good could have come from an honest discussion.  But I also have to realize, I was not at a place in my life that I could be that honest and vulnerable. 

For most of my life, I didn't want anyone to think that I was not perfect.  I know...no one is perfect.  I knew that in my head, but my heart couldn't stand to think that others thought ill of me.  This was paralyzing and extremely hurtful to my psyche.  It has taken years and many friendships to teach me to love myself in spite of my imperfections.  It took others' love to show me I was okay.  Poor Jack has been waiting years for me to see what he sees.  But, I guess I just couldn't do it until now.  I am thankful that I am young enough to live out of this place and didn't go to my grave with these incorrect thoughts and feelings.

I am also thankful for all of my friends who have loved me and tried to teach me that they loved all of me, not the perfections, but the imperfections too.  I am thankful that Jack never gave up on me.  He continued to love me and show me grace. 

I am also proud of myself for taking that difficult step in talking face to face with someone whom I had built up quite a bit of fear towards.  I am thankful for her making it easy for me, for being as vulnerable as I was, and for her grace.

Who do you avoid in your life?  Who do you grit your teeth when you have to be with them?  Is it possible that there is grace there?  I know not all relationships can be confronted and not all people can be vulnerable.  And I realize there are relationships that must just be walked away from.  But from now on, I will try to be more aware of my own part in my relationships, especially the difficult ones.  What about you?

Crossing off things on the List

I am a list maker.  I love having all of my "things to do" written down where I can see them.  I especially need lists when I am overwhelmed or really tired.  Sometimes, though, the length of the list becomes even more paralyzing.  Today, I had a whole new experience with crossing things off my list.

Last week, I sat down and wrote down all the things I needed to get done.  The list was long, but not overwhelming.  I immediately set out to cross off each item.

1.  Call BCBS check about Malaria pills - CHECK - but have to call back on Monday to see if it went through.  (I hate when crossing something off your list makes you add something else!!)

2.  Call State Farm to cancel Allie's car insurance - CHECK

3.  Finish knitting socks - CHECK

4.  Start a new pair of socks - CHECK

5.  Finish Mother/Daughter scrapbook - CHECK

6.  Buy Steripen

Suddenly today as I was crossing off the scrapbook, it dawned on me that the faster I checked things off this list, the sooner Allie was leaving.  I felt sucker punched.   Now, I know that if I don't check things off the list, she is still leaving...but the realization of her impending departure just knocked me out once more.

Readers, I guess if you don't want to hear about empty nest, sadness, etc. you might want to check back in a couple of months.  I am sure by then the joy of doing what I want to do when I want to do it will have taken over...till then...I am in my bed...

20 days to Empty Nest

In 20 days, I will put my daughter on a plane to Stanford, CA.  Then 10 days later, she will board a plane with 30 or so new friends to Dakar, Senegal.  After 18 years of consuming my life, she will simply board a plane and be off to a whole new world.  18 years.  18 years of day to day worry, concern, laughter, joy, chatter.  I want to use the word GONE!  But I keep being reminded, that it is not gone, it is just changed.  Different.  As a mom, I know that things will change, it will never be the same again.  I have already experienced this with my son.  I know when she finally gets home next May, things will be different.  She will have spent 9 months on her own having experiences without me.  Oh, she will share, she will miss me, she will still love me...but it will be different.

I want the change for her.  Of course I do not want to raise my children to be dependent on me for the rest of their lives.  I have purposefully raised them to be independent and good citizens of this world.  Now it is time to send them off to do so.

I am beginning to feel the loss.  Last week she was at my mom and dad's in Texas.  I missed her terribly.  She texted me every day.  But in the upcoming 9 months, she will not be able to do so.  I will have to rely on her blog, facebook, emails, and maybe skype.  But all of this will be intermittent as she may have no electricity or access to internet cafes. 

For now, though I have 20 days.  I will make the most of these days.  I will listen, laugh and spend as much time as she will allow me.  Then I will cherish these days as I get through the first few weeks of her departure.

Parenting is a series of losses but the gains are so worth it.

Living with invisible diseases

You are sitting there, reading a book and drinking a cup of coffee.  You take the last sip, and think about getting up to get a refill.  Most people either jump right up with no thought except extending the caffeine pleasure.  Some will linger feeling lazy and wishing they didn't have to move.  But then there is a group of us who look like the latter on the outside.  We look like we are lazy and just not wanting to move.  If you could peek inside our brain you would see a very different scene.  Inside we are thinking, "I just got comfortable, my hips have settled and are not hurting anymore."  "How much do I really want another cup of coffee...is it worth it?"  Then we take the plunge and get up.  The first pain starts in our feet.  We feel every joint in our feet creak and hurt as we plant them on the floor.  Next it is the knees.  Trying to straighten up hurts in the hips and lower back.  We know we look silly, afterall, we are only 20, 30, 40 years old and we look like our grandmother.  Once we get going, we are usually only aware of the stiffness, not the pain.  Then we get to the coffee pot and we have to extend our arms, the shoulders creak and cramp, the elbow hurts, the fingers take a minute to relax enough to grasp the handle on the pot.  We get our coffee and start the whole process over.  For just that short amount of time that we were still, the joints have stiffened again.  This whole process feels like we have run a marathon.  We are usually winded by the time we sit back down.  Our thoughts have now gone all over the place.  It is difficult to sometimes remember what we were doing before the coffee urge took over.  This difficulty to remember is not the typical, "I walked into a room and forgot what I came in for."  It is sometimes a pure panic because we were so wrapped up in our bodies just trying to cross the floor for the coffee that all else was lost.

Usually as the day progresses, movement becomes easier, but it is never so easy that it is not in our thoughts.  Every time we rise, we are aware of the effort.  But now a new issue arises, the lack of energy.  It is not a lack of motivation.  It is not a lack of initiative.  It is not a lack of desire.  It is quite simply an empty tank.  So much energy is used in doing the simple daily things, that often by mid afternoon, we are exhausted.  We need a nap to continue our day.  Plus, as the day turns into the night, the joints begin to stiffen once more.  So more energy is needed for the simple movements.

Yes, this is a normal day for many of us.  This is not a busy day with lots of appointments, or the cleaning the house day, or the running errands day.  This is the simple day where you stay at home.  So imagine adding all these other activities to our day.

Sometimes we snap at people or are not the most pleasant. Some days we appear to be impatient or maybe even irrational.  Sometimes we are teary for no apparent reason.  Some days we just seem to be depressed.  Well, think about it.  Wouldn't you?  Most days, you aren't even aware of anything going on with us.  We have become great actors.  Most of us have found that given the choice to be negative or positive, we choose positive.  We paste smiles on our faces, we look on the bright side and realize we are alive and things could be so much worse.  We search for people who help us get outside our own bodies and think about the world and other people.  We look for ways we can be useful and productive. 

We are your sons, daughters, spouses, partners, neighbors, co-workers and friends.  We are the ones with invisible diseases.  Don't pity us.  Just stand beside us as we stand beside you.  And?  If you happen to notice our coffee cup is empty and you are getting up anyway?  Would you offer to refill it for us?  Thanks, and we will reciprocate later in the day when we aren't so stiff!

Empty Nest...Fear or Joy?

Last week I had both my children in my home.  This is an experience which is starting to become special.  Especially since my daughter will be leaving for Africa in 46 days.  We were all in the car and I uttered this statement, "I am no longer responsible for anyone."  A moment passed as I really digested that.  It is strictly true.  Allie is 18 and Stephen will be 21 in September.  Then Stephen piped up, "And how are you feeling about that?"  At the moment I was able to answer honestly that I was actually looking forward to being only responsible for myself.  Of course I have not gotten to this point easily.  Many of you with children still in your home are probably surprised by this statement.  Sure there are days you yearn for the day that no one is relying on you or you wish this teenager would get out of your house, but deep down you can't imagine having an empty nest.

I have been lucky in that Jack has never let me lose sight of him or our marriage.  We have nurtured our marriage and taken time away from being mommy and daddy from the very beginning to be man and wife.  He has encouraged my individual pursuits.  Many women and men lose themselves in parenting.  Their whole persona becomes Mommy or Daddy.  Then when the kids leave, they are truly at a loss of who they are/were/want to be.  So I am blessed that Jack has helped prepare me for this day.

All of this is not to say that I am not nor will I be sad.  I am 48 years old and my parents are still sad when I leave after visiting them.  I will miss all the things that being a Mommy to Allie and Stephen entailed.  I will miss hearing about their daily joys and struggles.  I will miss the times we talked in the den or at the dinner table.  I will miss the smiles, hugs and kisses.  Yes, I will miss them.

But, I look forward to watching the fruit of our labor grow and ripen.  I love the man that Stephen is becoming.  He came back from Chili looking just a little bit more mature.  He is facing adult situations and sometimes succeeding and sometimes not.  I hurt for him, but am fascinated by the process of him coming into himself.  He is a good person with a great, sincere heart.  I am anxious to see what he will do next.

Allie is an incredible young woman.  She is embarking on a journey that few adults would take on.  Her bravery from a wee little thing has always astounded me.  She is going to grow and change in ways that I cannot even imagine.  And for the first time, I will not have a front row seat to experience this with her.  I will have to wait to hear about it.  That is going to be hard.  I will miss that.  But I know that the woman who comes home next April from Senegal is a woman I will be thrilled to know and love.  Her huge heart, her caring spirit, and her fabulous sense of humor will still be there...it just may be even more.  Just like Allie.  She is and always has been more.

This week I have had a taste of the empty nest.  Allie has been at camp where no contact was allowed, and Stephen has moved back to Boone.  I have enjoyed the freedom of jumping in the car to go shopping with my friends without a thought to who needed dinner when.  I have enjoyed the afternoons when Jack got off early to spend knitting and listening to him read to me.  I have enjoyed the collaboration on dinners and grocery shopping.  Yes, there are many things I look forward to this upcoming year. 

As Stephen and Allie go out into this world, they go with my heart.  I will always be near and ready for a call.  But I will also be going out into this world.  I will be pursuing new interests and enjoying old interests.  And when we are all under the same roof again, I look forward to sharing with them as well as listening to them. 

Yes, this year brings lots of new adventures.  I will not let fear hold me hostage.  I will live this next stage in life to the fullest!