Fatigue....Really

I am sitting in my chair.  My mind is racing with the things I need to do; make a menu, grocery shopping, laundry, organize my thoughts for a meeting tomorrow, etc.  I am still in my pjs at 12:00.  My body just won't cooperate.  I am not in severe pain and I am not running a fever...at least I don't think so.  My body has just quit.  It does this sometimes.  My energy bottoms out and it is just hard to get up to pee.  Yes, I am serious!  I sit here and know I need to go, but trying to convince my body that using energy in that way is absolutely worth it, is difficult.  I wish I could say this is due to...but I can't.  Right now I know that my iron has bottomed out, so I am awaiting an iron infusion that will help dramatically.  But it is not always that easy.  When you have several autoimmune diseases, fatigue is just part of your life.  But what is difficult for those of us who suffer this, is that people think they understand.  When you are confronted with someone who has cancer, unless you have had that cancer, you are instantly in a place of curiosity and want to understand where that person is coming from.  When you are confronted with someone who says they are extremely fatigued, you tend to launch into cures, your own experience, etc.  There is no curiosity, there are no questions, there is only judgement and knowledge.  But, if you take the time to really listen and be curious, you might be surprised.  For instance, have you really ever been so fatigued you had to talk your body into getting up to pee?  I mean seriously?  Have you ever been so fatigued that when your stomach alarms you it is way past time to eat, you still cannot get up to feed it?  Sitting here right now, I need to do both...pee and eat.  Writing this is exhausting me, and I have already taken several breaks and am foggy enough to wonder if what I am writing really makes any sense whatsoever.  But rereading it?  No way!!  So I sit here with a brain totally active, although hazy and a body that can't follow.  It is frustrating to say the least.  I look at facebook and see all the activity that people have been involved in this past holiday weekend and I am ready for a nap!  I envy them.  I envy the energy they have to get up early while it is cool and go for a walk, paddle around a lake, weed a garden.  The energy they have to cook tremendous sounding/looking meals for their loved ones.  The energy they have to travel to see family.  The energy they have.

Don't feel sorry for me.  Don't pity me.  I am okay with my life.  I know that this extreme feeling will soon be over, as soon as insurance is done putting the doctor's office through its paces and finally approves the infusion, I will feel much better.  I will never have the energy you have, but that is okay.  I have found my limits, my tricks, and I live a full life.

I am lucky to have friends who love me and accept me as I am.  I am the luckiest woman in the world because I have a husband who loves me no matter what.  He doesn't let me fall down the rabbit hole of inertness, but he doesn't push me beyond my limits either.  I have 2 beautiful children who live so gracefully with the uncertainty of a mother who may or may not be able to follow through on promises.  I am blessed.

So, do me a favor.  Appreciate your energy, your body's ability to do what you want to do.  And also, be curious about those in your life.  Don't just label them and think you "know".

Now it is time for this body to move....some things it just has to do, and thank god I can still do them.

Meeting Your Child Again

With my second pregnancy, I gave in to my husband and we found out the gender of our baby early.  So for 7 months, I walked around knowing that Allie Elizabeth McKinney was forming inside me.  I could talk to her saying things like, "Okay, Allie, please stop pushing on Mommy's ribs."  With this knowledge, the anticipation was a bit different than the first time.  One, I knew more, I was more confident, but I felt an anticipation of meeting Allie.  Not just meeting my new baby.  It felt like a very specific anticipation.

In 62 hours, I will be meeting Allie Elizabeth McKinney again.  For the past 8 months she has gone to Senegal, Africa, to live with another family.  While we have gotten to facebook chat, and skype, none of those are the same as sitting face to face with someone.  They have however given me glimpses of the changes in my daughter, much like the sonograms gave me glimpses of the baby growing in my belly.

My daughter left as an eighteen year old.  She left speaking English and Spanish.  She left having never experienced being away from home for major holidays or events.  She left having an intimate knowledge of our family unit only.  She left with a knowledge of developing world problems, but only book knowledge.  As mature and independent as she was, she left a girl.

Now she is coming home a nineteen year old.  She is coming home speaking English, Spanish, some French, and Wolof.  She is coming home after spending Thanksgiving, Christmas, and birthdays away from her American family.  She is coming home with a Senegalese family who also love her.  She is coming home having experienced intimately how another family lives and lives in Africa.   She is coming home having experienced a developing country.  Having seen good and bad that have changed her.  She is coming home a young woman.

Just like the actual pregnancy, these past months have been hard.  They have had their ups and downs, and their scares.  But, just like the birth, I know when she is in my arms, it will have all been worth it.  And just as she changed my life then, she will change my life again. 

I am anxiously anticipating that moment, just as I did 19 years ago when she is in my arms once more.  Because no matter how tall, how mature, how old, Allie, you will always and forever be my baby girl.

Unexpected Advent

My morning started, as usual, with a cup of coffee.  As I reached into the dishwasher to get a mug, I noticed that my Grandmother Allie's mug was clean.  So instead of grabbing the closest one, I rearranged and got her mug.  As I was readying my coffee, much the same way she taught me when I was 3 without quite as much milk and sugar, I began a letter in my head to my grandmother.  I wanted to share with her what my children are doing.  I wanted to tell her about Stephen and the joy I feel at seeing him in love and with new purpose in his life.  I wanted to share with her what Allie is doing in Africa.  In my head I wrote about how the tradition of strong women has continued down the line and that the granddaughter named after her is maybe one of the strongest yet. I told her how right she was back in 1985, Jack McKinney was/is the one for me.  I share with her how much he loves me and cares for me.  I told her how he makes me laugh. How he makes me feel so safe.   I described my knitting group to her and told her the stories of each woman there.  I told her about the joy I receive from being part of that group.  I express my regret that she didn't live long enough to see her craft become so popular or the new glorious yarns that are available.  I thank her for her early lessons in crochet and for sparking the interest in me long, long ago.  I tell her that I think of her almost daily.  That I love her.  That she lives on in all of our hearts.

In other words, I experienced advent this morning.  Peace, love, joy, and hope.  They flooded my heart as I wrote that letter to my Grandmother.  In the midst of the busiest week in a long time for me, advent found me.  And luckily enough for me, I listened.  How about you?  Have you stopped long enough to hear the bells ringing?  Have you listened for the soft whispers of your heart and soul?  Have you felt the warmth of love flood your heart?

Stop.  Listen.  Feel.

Extremes of Emotions

The sun is out
I am full of joy.
News of death
I am full of sadness.

My children are handling their problems
I am full of pride
My children are hurting
I am full of pain.

My life now includes new friends
I am full of happiness
My life now includes lots of change
I am full of uneasiness.

I am loving my independence
I am full of playfullness
I am longing for my role of motherhood
I am full of loneliness.

Duality, extremes, opposites,
My life seems overflowing with these
Sometimes I can't keep track
Of where I am.

Am I sad?  Am I happy?
Am I lonely?  Am I satisfied?
I cannot answer one question alone
For I can answer yes to each one at the same time.

This is not new, I know,
But when the house is quiet
these are the thoughts
on which I brood.

Let My Light Shine

The shadows grow longer as the sun starts its descent
The temperature begins to dip until there is a chill
Lights begin flickering on all around the neighborhood
People begin to settle into the evening.

It is a time for reflection on the day
Was it a day well spent or not?
What determines a good day from a bad day?
How much work was done or who was touched by our lives?

The shadows lengthen in my soul
The darkness threatens to block all light
What will push away the anxiety or depression?
What will make my heart still?

I remember the friend I spoke with on the phone,
The joy of decorating my home for fall,
The fellowship of my knitting group,
The thrill of creating a gift which will touch a friend.

No money was made
No glories bestowed
No to-do list crossed off
No lives saved.

Yet, a difference was made today,
My friend needed a laugh,
I received support for tomorrow
And my soul is full from creating.

Yes, it is dark outside,
but inside my soul
a light is burning
so shoo shadows
let my light shine.

My Soul Breathes

Cool breezes and the crashing of waves
Pelicans soaring and diving
Blue sky peeking from behind the clouds
A hot mug of coffee

This is a place and time of healing
The balm my soul needed
The silence different from the silence of my home
The birds sing a different tune here

It is a place to think, to ponder
It is a time to reconnect with my love
It is a place to consider my future
It is a time to remember who I am

Delight as my eyes soak in the sites
Joy as my ears fill with the sounds of the waves
Relief as my nose fills with the saltiness of the air
Peace as my soul breathes freely

Longing

The hole...no the chasm inside me tears open
the burning in the center of my chest sears my flesh
the longing...the yearning...the neediness
my soul quakes with the urgency.

Her head is clasped to my chest,
her arms encircle me and hold on tight,
the perfume of her shampoo fills my nostrils
the bubbling laughter fills my ears.

The excitement of youth expressed by one I love so
it reverberates off her being and enters mine
I soak in the sunlight of her smile
and bask in the glow of her youthful aura.

I drive away and the yearning starts small
with each minute I drive away,
the burning gets hotter,
tears rush unbidden to try to wash the wound.

For though this is a child I love,
it is not the child I crave.
But the sweet aroma of her shampoo and her warm embrace
will tide me over till the child I crave is in my arms.