Sometimes you just wish someone understood your pain. You know your husband is empathetic, caring and concerned. But there is that niggling in the back of your head, "Does he really understand or does he think I am faking?" You have no proof of this, just your brain playing tricks on you. When you ask your teens to do something for you, like get you a drink, make some tea, unload the dishwasher because the pain won't allow you to do it, they roll their eyes and sigh and you think, "Do they think I am faking?". You wish they got it, understood. When your friends show impatience with you for not being able to go and do, you wish they got it, understood. Then it dawns on you suddenly. For them to know means they have it. Means they are in as much pain as you are in. No, no, no. I don't want them to ever understand. I don't want them to EVER get it. I don't.
But the thing is, I don't want it either. We are coming to the end of another year. Another year without a cure. Not just a cure for my diseases but for so many diseases! It is heartbreaking. Yet, we hold on to hope. Hope that a mistake will happen in a lab and a cure will be found in the process. Or hell, just a drug with no side effects that makes your body think it is well and takes away all the pain. Anything. I'll take anything.
I don't like when I get to this place. The negativity door just flies open and all the whining, complaining and bitching just flies out. Just ask Jack! I guess we all have a tolerance level and I have reached mine once again. I know it will get better. I know I will know days of just a little pain. At least I hope so. That is the scary part. You always wonder, is this it? Is this the beginning of a life with a much higher level of pain always? That is frightening because you know there is that possibility. It is always out there waiting for you. The goal is to keep it at bay as long as possible.
Instead of regaling you with all the gritty details of how much pain I am in currently, I simply want to share this poem and in so doing shut the door to negativity once again.
Hopes for 2011
In this upcoming year may we be ever mindful of those around us,
May we smile in the grocery line,
May we slow down and really see the sales clerk, nurse, mechanic, etc.
May we open a door for a stranger,
May we let a car in our lane.
In this upcoming year may we be ever mindful of those we love,
May we tell them "I love you",
May we slow down and really listen,
May we be courteous,
May we give of ourselves.
In this upcoming year may we be ever mindful of ourselves,
May we cut ourselves some slack,
May we slow down and breathe,
May we allow ourselves some fun,
May we allow ourselves to receive.
My husband - several times this week - has pointed out that I am grouchy a lot, verging on the point of bitterness and anger. He is correct. That doesn't help, however. So, he gets it; but I'm still left wondering what will make it "better." I hope I figure it out. Here's to that hope. Thanks for sharing.
ReplyDeleteJoy, that is sometimes the hardest part, knowing you are "grouchy" and yet not being able to control it. Sometimes I find myself justifying it. But I know that is not fair. So I try to cut myself some slack. Try to see the good, and if all else fails, go to bed and read alone where I can't be mean to anyone!!! :-)
ReplyDeleteHaving lost a close friend recently, I really related to some of what you said. Thanks for your words, I caught them at the right time.
ReplyDelete