The weekend away took my mind off all things a year ago and I could only focus on what I was learning. But now I am home and there is another part of my body letting me know it remembers - my heart. I have been incredibly sad all week culminating is a cry-fest this morning. I vacillate between anger and grief and horror. Knowing that a year ago, I was laying in a bed with tubes and IVs and procedures being done to my body and being completely unaware...horrifies me. Knowing my kids and best friend and husband were keeping watch without knowing if I would live or die or come out right in my mind....grieves me. I feel a cloud over me this week. It is dark and menacing. I just want to climb in bed and cover my head.
This is me, a year ago:
Have no memory of this, but am kind of glad they took the photo. It is the only "proof" I have that I was actually there.
There is lots to celebrate. There is lots to be proud of. But for now, I need to feel all these feelings I am having and let them run their course. So I will allow myself to continue vacillating between grief, anger and horror. Because honestly, I don't know what else to do.