Monday, December 12, 2016

Anxiety - 1, KaKi - 0

This Saturday, I will once again walk into Rex Hospital, and register for surgery.  This will be the third surgery and hopefully final surgery. I have come so far since August 22nd when I came home from the hospital after a 22 day stay.  I have learned to walk again without help.  I have learned to write again.  I can cook and feed myself.  I can take showers without anyone helping me and without the aide of a shower chair.  I am able to follow conversations with multiple people.  I no longer feel overwhelmed outside my home.  I have been able to get back involved with Moms Demand Action and even lead 2 meetings!  And, I can drive!!  On August 22nd, some of these things felt impossible. My confidence in myself was shot.  I was so dependent on all around me, I just wasn't sure I would ever get back to my former level of health.  But, I did.  My body, the body I have felt so betrayed by all these years, actually showed me how valuable it is.  How strong and resilient it is.  It lived and healed even when I wasn't sure I wanted to continue.  It has surpassed all my expectations.  When the surgeon mentioned having my reversal surgery in December, I laughed!  OUT LOUD, laughed!  But here I am.

Here is the thing though.  My body wasn't the only part of me attacked on August 3rd.  My mind and soul were also damaged.   I had been violated.  Trust in my doctors and nurses was crushed.  This extreme vulnerability started raising memories of other violations, many that had been buried for a long time.  The expectation of a third surgery hung over me like a huge black cloud.  How could I let my doctor cut on me again?  How could I submit myself to that powerless position again?

Now I am sitting here 5 days away from doing just that.  Luckily, having an ileostomy is a pain in the butt!  It is no fun!  I have experienced leaks, and the bottom of bags just coming open and spilling all the contents.  It is not easy to wear any kind of pants or jeans with the placement of this bag.  So I have lived in leggings pretty much continually since August.  The fear of leaking in public and the overall uncomfortableness of the bag is definitely driving me to have this surgery and get rid of this.  I hope to have all vestiges of this surgery gone and begin 2017 anew!!

So, I will gather all the courage I can, and maybe borrow some from my kids and hubby, and will walk into that hospital on Saturday, lay on the gurney, get that IV, and go to sleep and put my total trust in my doctor to do a good job.  This time I know he understands what a big deal this is, and he will rise to the occasion.  He is a good man and a great surgeon.  It is time for both of us to have a successful do-over!

So you may not be seeing me for a few days, I will be regaining what strength I lost again.  But this time I know my body is capable.  And then you are going to watch me treat my body to the exercise it needs and the nourishment it needs.  My body will be pampered in 2017.  It is time for me to show my appreciation for all it has done for me!

This post has been written during an extreme panic for me.  I needed to get it out.  I wasn't going to publish it, but, you know,  this is me.  This is what is going on.  My meds have finally settled my head and I am feeling calmer.  But anxiety will be my constant companion I fear until saturday!!


  1. blessings if I can help

  2. You are stronger than you know and braver than you think. You can do this. We can't wait to hear the good news!! Love you!!