Fear

What are you afraid of? Spiders, bugs, heights, rollercoasters, water? It seems we all have fears, some seem sillier than others. I realized lately that I am dealing with fear in my life. The fear of losing my son.

My son is a senior in high school this year. He is going to play baseball in college and has the desire to play pro if possible. So we are trying to discern with him what is the best option for him as far as schools go. In so doing, I am quickly coming to the realization that he is leaving my home. I am not so delusional that I think by living at home he has been out of harm's way. But I guess I have felt some control, albeit a false sense of control. So what are my fears you ask?

Fear #1 - He will die. He will be in a car wreck and die. He will get sick and die. He will live in a house with someone who has guns and he will die. I don't know....just that he will die.

Fear #2 - He will not have the opportunity to realize his dream of playing pro ball. There are two factors in this. One, he will be stupid and do something stupid and get kicked out of school. Two, he will get hurt and not be able to play anymore. (and of course, he will die and not be able to play)

Fear #3 - He will change and not want to come home anymore. He will get out in the world and find a different way to live and have no interest in coming home.

Fear #4 - He will find a girl and become so consumed with her that he never comes home again. And she will not like us and therefore, not want to encourage him to come home.

You see, this boy is the child I longed for. He is the baby I dreamed of having. I spent 2 years, 6 months trying to conceive him. He is my dream come true. I then spent the next year trying to keep him alive. I held him on two different occasions not knowing if he would live or die. He captured my heart on September 29, 1992, and has never let go.

I realize I was given this child to raise, not keep forever. I realize that my ultimate job is to raise him to be a fantastic adult. I realize that in doing that, I must let him go. And I will. I will.

But right now I must give voice to these fears. For the one thing I have learned about fear, is that it grows in the dark and in silence. So, Fear, you are released.

And Stephen, you are too. Well, not right now, but you will be, really, I promise.....