Tuesday, January 19, 2010

The War Within

"Stop! Please just stop!" The screams tear through your throat. "I can't take anymore!"

The screams meet deaf ears because the offender is inside you. Your own body is attacking itself. It is as if your body is reaching inside and squeezing and slashing your gut. The pain is insufferable. You grasp for breath and twist and turn trying to find a position where the pain will ease. But there is no place, there is no respite. Finally you find the bottle of pills and take one. Still your body keeps up its internal war against itself. The cries of help bring your family running to your side. They try to help, yet it is impossible. There is nothing they can do, they are as helpless as you are. Finally it is time for another pill, the pain killer. Slowly you feel your body begin to fall under the pill's spell. It releases its hold and you can breathe again. You slip into unconsciousness and blissful sleep. It feels as if you have just closed your eyes when the war begins once more. This time your body is fighting so hard it is forcing everything to evacuate. You vomit over and over trying to expell whatever is angering your body. But there is no relief. You try another pain killer and the big gun - Xanax. And slowly your body submits to the drugs. You once more slip into unconsciousness.

You wake after many hours of sleep, yet you don't really wake. That won't come for several days. You will be weak, sleepy and woozy for at least three to four days afterwards.

This is a Crohn's attack. Different people experience different pain, different drugs, etc. But the common thing is how much Crohn's affects your life. It is a nasty disease which can be devastating for some. Many people lose their families or partners because of the inability to stand by and watch such pain. Many people lose their jobs because of the amount of time missed from work. But others have partners who stand by them and bosses who work around them.

We all go on living. It is our choice how we let this affect who we are. What challenges do you face each day? What choices do you make?

1 comment:

  1. This was hard to read, to know what you are going through, but I am so grateful to you for sharing. Going through chemo was a little like that but ... I knew it was temporary. I imagine that the "is this my life?!" piece makes this almost unbearable. sigh....