When I was quite young, I remember it snowing in Texas. This was a big deal, quite possibly my first snow. But of course I was sick and not allowed to go outside. I remember my older brother, Kip, making a snowball and handing it to me through the window. I also remember pressing my feverish forehead against the cold pane of glass wistfully watching him play. I have found myself in this same place quite often through my life. When I was a teen, I was friends with people who were older than me. I remember one time we were circled around the fireplace at the Bryson's and they were all talking about their futures. Where they were going to college, what they were going to major in, when they wanted to get married, etc. They turned to me and all I could say was, "I just hope I have a date to the prom." I was still on the inside of youth, high school. They were out in the "world".
I am reminded of these feelings today as I lay here in bed and look outside my window. The sun is shining, the trees are green. I hear mowers, blowers, and birds singing. I see the statuses of my friends on facebook and they are outside doing fun things today. My husband is out watching our son play baseball. I wish I was outside today. But alas, I am not. These are the days that try me. The days that that make it more difficult to choose to have a smile instead of frowning. The days that make me want to vent, whine, cry. Hard days. But I can't stay here. This place is toxic and very hard to climb out of the longer you stay. So I climb out...
Even though my body is failing me right now, it is not terminal. I will once again feel good. Yes, it may not be as good as most people feel, but I don't know any better anyway!! Even though I can feel my energy draining with each word I type, I can type. I can think, I have access to a computer to be "connected". I have a roof over my head, a comfortable bed, my room is a comfortable temperature, I have friends who love me, and family that adore me. What more could I really ask for?
Life on the inside can sometimes be hard and lonely, but so can life on the outside. So which do you choose today, to see the negative or positive?